Waffle Strong
The Spring Flu and the immeasurable resilience of my best girl.
Hello Beloved Human,
It is indeed a different day that I’m writing to you this week. I landed myself with a case of the spring flu last weekend and it certainly got the best of me. I’d actually never heard of the spring flu but I guess these unprecedented Covid times lead to unprecedented realities. The bug had me sleeping all day Monday and Tuesday as my two best girls took care of me. I was hoping that an essay would pop into my mind by Tuesday evening. But instead of words, a fever of around 103 danced within me that evening and in an attempt to lean into the practices of forgiveness and grace that I always tell you to uphold, I postponed writing until now.
It’s amazing how difficult it is to be kind to myself. I can be kind to anyone I meet and especially those I know. If a friend has the flu, I’ll say “take the whole week off — but of course!” But when I’m in a similar state, somehow that advice seems indulgent — excessive — a lavish extravagance I am not yet worthy of. It’s safe to say that my self compassion practice is certainly a work in progress.
Now, perhaps more than ever, I need to sharpen my skill set in self compassion. Waffle has started presenting with an odd gait in her back legs and I am reeling in concern and a tidal wave of worst case scenarios. These are the moments where I need to know how to be kind to myself and yet these are the circumstances where self-compassion feels impossible. These are actually the moments I do absolutely everything BUT care for myself. In this particular circumstance, I threw myself into advocating for my girl and loving her as fiercely as I could muster. Then, as she napped beside my husband, I cleaned the kitchen - twice, lifted weights, went for a run, did two Tug trainings and banged out five errands that I have procrastinated on for months. It’s as if the pain manifested into pure adrenaline-powered productivity. A dear friend of mine and I were actually talking about this exact phenomenon last week - how in times of true pain, we don’t watch a familiar tv show or sleep in or honor the reality with slowness and nourishment. No, instead, in these moments, we kick into turbo drive - into the fight of ‘fight or flight’ and take on the world.
Amidst cramming my day with everything but weeping, I was able to speak with Waffle’s primary care doctor and secure an emergency neurology appointment for this Wednesday down in Boston. I will have no answers until then and since the sun has set, allllll the errands are done and I have worked out better than I have in months, here I finally sit, feeling it all – weeping, rubbing Waffle’s back, loving her as best I can while still trying to show up for you and myself, as I promised I would.
The most incredible part of this whole thing is that she is steady in everything but her gait. Her affect is unaffected by the small changes in her hind legs and Dave keeps reminding me that no matter what it is — a spinal injury, cancer of the spine, degenerative myelopathy, IVDD — it is early and she is still smiling.
Actually, she is more than just smiling. She is wholeheartedly herself, wagging her tail with a vengeance, begging for bacon with relentless focus, and sassily barking herself outdoors without a need to go to the bathroom just to get back inside and be given her “bathroom” cookie. And then, of course, there is how she cares for me. Head butting my cheek, licking my tears away and offering paw after paw to remind me that yes, WE are still HERE.
These are the moments I revel in her being. I am in awe of her ability to always love and fight, even when goings get tough. I have an inordinate amount of resilience within me from the years I spent fighting hallucinations and demons of my own but I will never have her resilience AND undeniable ability to melt heartbreak and pain away with a simple smile, a gentle paw and a sassy bark for one more cookie — one more cookie — always one more.
What a gift to know her. What an honor to be her momma. And, what a true blessing to have you here with us, through it all.
With love and hopes for more self compassion for the both of us this week.
Waffle Strong,
Kate
“I am in awe of her ability to always love and fight, even when goings get tough.” You do realize, my dear, that this is exactly how we all feel about you?
It’s not the end result, good or bad, but the ability to keep loving and fighting during the journey. And, as always, remember that you’re never alone on that journey. We ❤️U
Always Waffle Strong - but we're Kate Strong too :) ❤️