On Balancing Duality

A personal update about my current health and some poems just for you

Tug asked that I take this photo of her with Unity and the flock. She also requested that I share it here. You’re welcome.

Hello, Beautiful Human!

I went to Noah Kahan last night so I am DEFINITELY still sleeping at this early hour but I am so glad scheduling programs exist so I can still spend this Friday morning with you.

This past week I was all over the place, but something about knowing I would show up here at 6:30 am this Friday kept me tethered to reality. Transitioning into a life of freelance writing, documentary producing, and public health consulting has been hectic. I wake up every morning around 6 with the best of intentions but no matter how many to-do lists and habit hacking systems I attempt, I still find myself scattered throughout the day. At the Dogist, I had a protocol that functioned like clockwork and now, though parts of that protocol apply, I can’t seem to harness my attention and energy efficiently. I am honestly considering hiring an executive function coach and as each frenetic day passes, I get closer and closer to making that investment in myself.

As I shared this past week on Instagram here, in addition to feeling scattered, I also have been feeling and living this odd duality of existence. I am well and honestly the happiest and best I have been in years (and maybe ever). I am also filled to the brim with a deep sorrow about my past that wells up and spills over in unexpected moments. It is as if my body is finally processing it all – consolidating it en masse – and with that comes the darkest of truths but also the deepest of gratitudes. It’s an unexpected reality to live within, but it is one I cherish. Being able to be here – NOW – in this exact place in time with a true understanding of how precious each moment is is undoubtedly the most healing feeling in the world.

I wrote a lot this week, but none of it feels complete enough to share. So, this week I am sharing a few poems instead.  I will be back next week with another chapter of Maura and Me.

Next week, on Sunday, September 17, we will also be having our inaugural Solidarity Salon at 2 pm EST, so please mark your calendars! 

The Solidarity Salon is an hour-long storytelling hour for paid subscribers. It is an hour devoted to healing out loud. The salon is a place to hold unequivocal space for each other as we are seen in our raw truths. For the first fifteen minutes, we will write our stories in silence together and for the remainder of the hour, we will read our stories aloud. This is not about having a polished piece. Rather, it is about sharing your honest truth. I am so excited to finally build a forum to learn more about you and offer the healing I have been given by being heard and seen by all of you. I’m considering sending out a mocktail recipe to accompany it so definitely let me know if that would be of interest!

And with that, time for some of my lines. 

Wishing you the weekend you need it to be.

Kindly,

Kate

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~

All I ever wanted was to belong

But how can I belong when the wild of my being is only welcome if it’s tamed?

~

What if it’s not good?

Or bad?

What if it simply is?

~

at some point

food became love

at another

war

~

If only I had dared to continue to be too much.

If only I had dared tell you that the only way you got me

was in my wild.

~

I am soft now

Curvy

the way you hated

If only I had known

Soft is strong

Soft means believing in the kindness of this world

 in the goodness too

Yes

Soft means the world hasn’t broken me into brittle shards just yet.

~

Do not fear, my darling

Or maybe do.

Fear is you growing.

~

On body:

I’ve hated you

For years

I’ve spent decades thinking

Over and over and over again

Why can’t we just be friends?

If only I had dared humble myself earlier

If only I had stopped waging war against you sooner,

I might just have known

You’ve been my dearest friend all along.

~

With love and bedhead from us.

Kate, Waffy and Tug