Duality, Contrast and Disbelief

Processing the week, a piece on the coexistence of doubt and progress & FEAR Camp Lesson #2

Oct 13, 2023

Waff and I heading out to the event in NYC. Yup, this is my only photo because I was having *that* much fun.

Hello Beautiful Human,

It has been quite a week – one that ran the gamut of every emotion. On Monday, I traveled to New York City, and on Tuesday, I spoke at Project Healthy Mind’s World Mental Health Day Festival. While there, I had the honor of joining a group of renowned advocates – The Surgeon General, Prince Harry and Megan, Carson Daly, and others – to do what I am most passionate about: advocate for mental health and a better future for this country’s youth.

To me, returning to New York for the first time since The Dogist restructured to attend such an esteemed event with so many influential leaders felt truly surreal. For the second time in my life (the first being the Mental Health Creators Summit at Harvard), I felt like I was finally doing exactly what I was meant to be doing with my life – mental health advocacy. To feel such an alignment of purpose and passion was a gift and it brought immeasurable lightness to my being.

To be here and now in this state of alignment is a true privilege, one I do not take lightly. It is especially noteworthy as I watch the horrific tragedies unfold in the Middle East. This past week, I struggled to process the range of emotions that flooded through me – the joy that filled me while speaking and connecting with people who are equally passionate about mental health and the horror and sorrow I felt as I watched videos of human survivors weep over their passed loved ones and read news of the escalating war.

I am no stranger to vast emotions and stark contrast. The life I’ve lived has contained, at times, both of these, and my life has taught me that pain and joy always coexist within this world and no human experience nullifies the other. The perpetual duality of being human, to feel both tragedy and joy, is the one constant we have. The only thing we can do is stay kind and curious and hold unequivocal safe space for the many ranges of human experiences that each of us walks – in pain, joy, and everywhere in between.

This week, that act of holding unequivocal space, depleted me completely. Holding the brimming delight of my advocacy work in the same breath as the unthinkable tragedy abroad wore me entirely raw and today, I broke down on Instagram in tears after a number of people who misinterpreted my words sent me some hateful messages. So, this afternoon, instead of finishing this week’s piece, I climbed into bed, snuggled Waffle and Tug, and ate chocolate and donuts. It was my way of choosing myself — of caring for myself — and even though I’m disappointed in myself for not finishing the next chapter for you, it is also okay.

So today, I instead offer a piece I wrote about my time at the World Mental Health Day Festival and how far we’ve come. Twenty years ago, as I fought major depression for the first time, the very words “mental health” were barely spoken and my condition was as shameful as it was silenced. This piece speaks to where we are now and how I struggle to always believe it. The piece is not meant to heal our throbbing hearts. Instead, it aims to remind both you and me that change takes work, healing takes time, and that even in the darkness, even when every breath is dissonant and heavy, there is still hope because we have each other. We have each other – and together – even if it takes years, we will rise to build a better tomorrow even if we don’t have the right words or perfect solutions today.

Is this real life?

I spoke at Project Healthy Mind’s World Mental Health Day Festival this week. It’s hard to believe that this is real life. We use phrases like this — ‘I can’t believe it’ —‘how is this real life?’ — all the time. I love the connotation and optimism these phrases often hold. But for me, when I say I don’t believe it — it’s a bit more complicated.

I spent a decade in a state of psychosis, and over the course of those ten years, my life was a mosaic of mirages. Many people, places, and things that I saw with my own two eyes and trusted as foundational parts of my life were not real. They did not exist at all because they were hallucinations.

Building a life on the back of the imaginary proved to be my yellow brick road out of madness and off disability. It was a terrifying, wild, and deeply lonely road until Waffle joined me. Even then — even after Waffle taught me what was real and what wasn’t, I still felt profound shame and distrust within me. The accumulation of a decade of hallucinations and the questions I’d asked myself over and over again didn’t simply disappear and I found myself still asking them. If I’m being perfectly honest, I still ask these questions, especially during events like the one I attended this week —

Am I actually here with Sasha of @thepsychdoctormd and Rod of @justme.rod or is this one massive psychotic break I am living from the inside of a psych ward?

Is Carson Daly actually waving at us before he goes to speak with Prince Harry, Megan, and Dr. Vivek Murthy or is he simply an imaginary version that my mind conjured from my hospital bed?

Did the New York Times Mental Health reporter Ellen Barry really hug me back and the Times photographer take Waffle and my photos?

Every time I ask one of these questions, I plant a seed of doubt. Over the years, I’ve planted many of these seeds and they have grown into a thorny hillside that l am perpetually tangled within.

But this week, I did speak at the World Mental Health Day Festival in New York City.

This week, I walked beside Sasha, shook hands with Rod, and watched a panel with Carson Daly, Prince Harry, Megan, and the Surgeon General while Waffle napped beside me.

This week, I hugged Ellen Barry and she hugged me back and the New York Times photographer brought Waffle and me to a room filled with the fanciest furniture and took our portraits.

This week, I lived and walked and breathed real life into being, and even if I still struggle to believe it today, you’ll remember for me and Waffle will continue to teach me that this world is real.

So next time you see us and ask to pet her, I will likely say yes.

Because when you do,

When you pet her,

I plant another kind of seed — the seed of trust.

And soon enough —

Soon enough —

Those seeds will grow into massive trees and the thorny vines of self-doubt will wither in their looming shade.

And then and there —

Then and there —

From my newfound perch of freedom within their tall branches,

I will know in every inch of my being —

This is real.

There is a World Mental Health Day when leaders from all over the world come out and speak about its importance.

Yes,

This is real.

We live in a world that finally cares about mental health.

And I did indeed survive to see it with my very own two eyes.

Mark your Calendars!

Our next Solidarity Salon is on Sunday, October 22 at 2 pm EST. The Solidarity Salon is an hour-long storytelling hour devoted to healing out loud for paid subscribers. The salon is a place to hold unequivocal space for each other as we are seen in our raw truths. For the first fifteen minutes, we will write our stories in silence together and for the remainder of the hour, we will read our stories aloud. This is not about having a polished piece. Rather, it is about sharing your honest truth. If you’re not yet a paid subscriber and would like to join, we’d love to have you!

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FEAR Camp Lesson #2 — Anxiety + The Body.

FEAR Camp is my free program that educates you about anxiety and teaches you how to heal your own anxiety using exposure therapy. This program is a habit-stacking regimen based on the most up-to-date science. NOTE: This program is not meant to replace or provide therapeutic intervention in any way and it is not safe to do if you are actively living in a state of crisis.

Before diving into growing through our fear and healing our anxiety through exposure therapy, we have a few important things to learn. The first of which is about what anxiety actually is:

Anxiety is a reaction – a reaction to stress, to something we perceive as a threat.

Though anxiety feels far more complicated (and miserable), anxiety can actually be broken down into two parts:

The physical response to that perceived threat
The thoughts we have in response to that physical response

Evolutionarily, anxiety served to save our lives — it was our way of protecting ourselves from deadly threats. This is very important to remember because it means anxiety is literally our body’s way of caring for ourselves so we survive. We often lose sight of this fact in the throes of anxiety but holding onto this truth helps us remember that we are not “bad” or “weak” or “wrong” for having anxiety. Instead, we are merely miswired in the way we care for ourselves.

To better understand this, we have to go back hundreds of years. Back then, we experienced deadly threats often. Let’s use the example of running into a grizzly bear. When we saw the grizzly bear, anxiety in the form of the Fight/Flight/Freeze response appeared and that reaction was a perfect survival reaction. Our bodies filled with cortisol and adrenaline so we could fight the grizzly bear, run away from the grizzly bear, or play dead in front of the grizzly bear. Back then, anxiety in this form served our survival. It was our body's way of protecting us.

Fast forward to now – when a work deadline, social gathering, or dessert triggers anxiety. In these instances, our bodies react as if the work deadline, social gathering, or dessert is as deadly as a grizzly bear. But in today’s world, this reaction does not serve us. This is the miswiring I mentioned.

Now, you are probably sitting there nodding your head and saying, “Okay, but how the HELL do I make all these awful uncomfortable reactions go away?” Well, that’s where exposure therapy comes in. But before we can begin exposure therapy and the habit-stacking framework, we must first be able to identify our own physical sensations in times of anxiety. So, this week’s homework is to do exactly that — identify the physical sensations of anxiety in your body.

What happens when you perceive a threat? Do you sweat or shake? Does your heart race or vision blur? Write a list of all the physical sensations you experience when you are anxious in the comments below or in a notebook. Be sure to keep track of the list because we will be using it soon.

That’s it for FEAR Camp this week and stay tuned for next week when we dive into Anxiety and The Mind in Lesson #3.

Duality, Contrast and Disbelief

Processing the week, a piece on the coexistence of doubt and progress & FEAR Camp Lesson #2

Is this real life?

Mark your Calendars!

FEAR Camp Lesson #2 — Anxiety + The Body.

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